real talk

I’ve failed at several things lately.

Posted by on Jul 18, 2016 in real talk | 4 comments

Usually, when someone talks about failure, the story ends with how the failure was an essential part of the journey, that she had to go through that valley to get where she is now.

Where she is now is usually a well-lit photograph of a smiling woman tossing confetti into the air. So that the failure looks like another adorable piece of the puzzle.

My failures don’t feel adorable to me. They make me feel kind of naseuated, lots of shame, and general unease and chagrin.

black doodle border Keetha

I told you about my Sixty Days of Summer. I liked everything about this project. I liked the sweet challenge to enjoy this time of year, which is historically my least favorite time of year.

I found that painting a watercolor a day wasn’t the challenge. It was painting a summer-themed watercolor a day plus a thoughtful, expressive blog post to go with that that was challenging.

Without meaning to, I missed one day. Then another. Then a week, and two weeks.

I vowed to myself to send a newsletter every other week. I found that every other week rolls around pretty quick. I found I didn’t feel like I had anything to say.

Then I accidentally left the placeholder subject line “not sure yet” in a newsletter. That was embarrassing. Who would want to open a newsletter that says “not sure yet” in the subject line. Not sure about what?

navy blue watercolor Keetha

A couple of weeks ago I came across a great blog that shared lots of good, simple info about adopting an Eat to Live (a book I’d read that made me want to eat lots and lots of vegetables) lifestyle and making it work in the real world.

I spent a Sunday afternoon making plans: a detailed menu for the week, printed out recipes, mammoth grocery list. I made a new folder (“Living Well”) on my computer. I gathered up the menu, the recipes (in chronological order) and clipped them neatly together.

I told Jeffrey what I was doing and asked for support and encouragement.

I lasted a day and a half.

(The disgusting beet hummus salad dressing that, I swear, took me an hour and a half to put together didn’t help.)

Lays Lightly Salted Potato Chips and a granola bar was what broke me. That, and being really hungry and realizing I kind of hate eating raw vegetables, which is what this eating plan requires – 4 to 6 cups of raw vegetables a day.

From six weeks to less than 48 hours.

summer sky watercolor Keetha

I have four beautiful, gorgeous ideas that I want to do for you. One of them is time-sensitive and I haven’t met my goals for it, either. I feel like I’m letting the idea down and the idea deserves better. You deserve it.

Not meeting goals and commitments I made, even to myself, seems to confirm some of the worst things I’ve ever thought about myself – that I’m flaky, lazy, indulgent.

Believing those things and going down the road of thinking, I should have known I couldn’t do it. I never finish anything, while painful, would actually be far easier and take much less effort than pushing through them and trying, again.

But that’s what I’m doing anyway – trying again.

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